Purposeful Leanings

I am propped up by constant referral to my successes.This builds pride but also pressure to keep achieving particular outcomes deemed successful or at the very least there is a hope that referring back to past ‘accomplishments’ will still give me status.I will just keep repeating that pattern over and over.Is winning everything?Is fulfilling my own wishes more important than helping others?This will affect the team negatively.It feels good to win, better than losing.Everyone else is trying to win.Is it possible to lose and feel good?What is the shift required?I can’t put myself in other people’s shoes.When they lose, I might lose.Could I feel good for someone else if they receive what they wanted and I miss out?This is what endears team members to me.More important, it means more attention, which is a good thing, right?I am exaggerating my Ego Confidence.I do not want to recognize that this tile is actually a lot to do with insecurity.No point in focusing on that.Artificial is not what I want to recognize.Fake and unnatural is what others may be able to see but I encase myself in the feeling of pretending so deeply that I convince myself the story is who I actually am.I might try to impress or educate others with my wisdom.I can start to live a fantasy by behaving and dressing in a way that elevates me.I create a mask in public, but who am I when I am alone?At this level, superficial seems normal, especially if others around the person join in and participate in the charade together.I assume you are buying into this usually inflated caricature of myself because I am.I imitate what I feel will attract your attention and I might easily drop out of my charade into being offended.If you challenge me in some way, I can avoid that by becoming more defensive.Variations include lacking genuineness, being pseudo kind and living a sham.What matters the most is what they think of me and that I am important.Can I learn to approve of myself?What they think of me will be based on a lie, not the truth.Liars can’t be trusted.When I imagine I am better than I actually am it feels good.If I inflate my deeds, that feels good too.Can I get above 60 to experience the true value of others?I will be known as an exaggerator and lose the power of my word.I’m doing really well – great, in fact.What is humble and humility?How can that feel great?How do I own that if I was really honest, I have problems?I am not perfect, no one is.My life is an example of how to do things properly.Humility is to recognize the positive qualities in others too.It needs to prevent the accusation or suggestion for improvement from penetrating.There are more defence mechanisms and essentially, they are employed to conserve the best sense of self the Ego can have through believing in the ways it can get what it wants.Here, we set up a screen, avert from the truth, shield ourselves, oppose whatever confronts us and generally safeguard our Ego reputation.Taking responsibility is being integrous, which feels a lot better than hiding, although I may have to look at my fear.What am I afraid of being responsible for?This is a surface reaction and it’s my responsibility to know why I do certain things.I will stay with it until I have a possibility.I will get past the fear of getting it wrong.Ask or pick on someone else.I am trying to pass the buck or get out of it.Being honest and truthful will mean I gain the respect and trust of the team.This feels much better longer term.I can create as many reasons as I like to help you understand I am not to blame.I will stop doing this, I will listen and be honest.There is time to collect evidence so as to stay with my opinions in the face of change.Ego Mind is not Intuitive Mind so it utilizes probability, educated guesses and references to the past in order to predict the future so its defence mechanism is to use flippancy in its mild form of dismissive and a more extreme version is smug and indifference to others.At this level of Ego, the attitude is not derogatory, just disrespectful of another point of view.A cursory glance is enough to assume there is nothing there for me.Disregarding saves energy and time.Fleeting connections, unenthusiastic encounters and underestimating others all live here.Variations include contempt, denial, disinterest, unenthusiastic and being offhand when offered something.I need to lead the way.It feels good to be talking about what others are not good at and dismiss what I am not good at.Relationships are an opportunity to learn about how I can be a better person.People trust others who can reciprocate feeling good about each other.Who do you think you are when you think you know more than me?How I value another person is a reflection of how I value myself.Let go of superior/inferior relationships and find humbleness.I don’t want to talk about anyone else, just me.I am the important one here.Look what I’ve done for the team.To be more considerate and kind is a higher calling and part of the best me I can create.There is no need to complain and I have the capacity to look at challenges.How do I step into being okay with what is being brought into my awareness?It is like the opinions and history of the person’s accomplishments define the person and help draw attention to him.Attention feels good.If someone is at a higher status or rank than me then I might listen.If the other person provides Ego with something that is wanted then the other will very conditionally be included.We all have receiving and giving qualities.Let’s not make it all about what I can get, but what I can give for the betterment of the team.I did so much for you and this company.Do I need to be wiser with my giving?I can prioritize and delegate.I am going to blame you for any pain I feel.It’s not your fault I feel this way.Things happen and I have a choice as to how to react but I need to study the code to fully realize this.At tiles 0–30, I may not have a choice as I react from Entrapment charge.Why should I do it your way when I know I am right?Am I asking why to prove my point, or am I really interested in the answer?I strive to be inclusive and let go of having to be ‘right’.At this tile I promote myself, often at the expense of others.A person at this level is often referred to as a ‘smarty pants’, ‘wise guy’, ‘smart Alec’ or even a ‘smartass’.There is no problem letting anyone who will listen understand that ‘I know what’s best, even for others, not just me’.‘Bighead’ is at it again, pointing out how his opinions are all that matter.It is like opinions are being forced on to the other person.In this tile the Ego identity is established by how big or persistent its opinions, beliefs and concepts are about anything that is up for discussion.People at this level can listen to stories, but do so with a view to getting their own story heard and so they can be formulating something bigger, better or somehow more impressive while the speaker is delivering his story.He may even boast to emphasize that he does indeed know it all and be seen as a braggart.I will learn to listen with patience.What have they got to say?What can I learn from them?What is their contribution?Can I thank them for sharing?As they are speaking, I am working out what I want to say.Can I be a part of a whole conversation without speaking?Can I ask others how it feels to have a conversation with me?It’s my way or the highway.Can I converse without offering an opinion?Can I ask my team members what it’s like to work with me?I wonder if they will be honest with me, or if they may feel intimidated?I have to press on with my ideas and thoughts.They feel essential.This is the way I get attention.I feel valued when others are listening to me.I need to find another way of feeling good about myself.A person at this level is seen by others as being ‘too big for their boots’.There is a vanity in arrogance where it is not only all about me, but there is also a disdain or dislike of anything less than me.At its extreme form it can be pompous and snobbish, not having much or anything to do with perceived ‘lower’ intelligence or ‘lesser than’ people.Hierarchy is important.Hub and spoke leadership style promote arrogance, which in turn discredits equality in fellowship.A ‘high and mighty’ or even ‘lordly’ attitude is an attempt to create power through privileged money or position.There is a dominant attitude and it is obvious who has the final say.Aloof, overbearing and haughtiness lives here.Patronizing and condescending are central to the repertoire of activities Arrogant uses to establish its superiority.Bombastic is an extreme form.I don’t know what’s best for you, I only know what’s best for me.I will practise waiting until you have finished speaking.Can I be more aware of the unspoken messages I am sending to my team?Unless what you are saying is in alignment with my argument, I can dispense with you.I’m going to be more open to differing views of team members.Diversity is powerful.I will quickly appraise what and who you are based on what I and the team can get from you and what it would cost me and us.Instead of being transactional with my team members, I will create team relationships that are meaningful and caring.Narcissistic, 50Tile 50 is the extreme end of feeling good about myself because ‘I am going to get what I want, no matter what the cost’.I am losing touch with the value of others and it is all about me.I collect evidence daily that I am someone others need to admire, look up to or be aware of in some way and I distort reality towards this story.The narcissist may have been conditioned externally by repeatedly being told they are amazing, incredible or similar without attention being directed at other behaviours that have or are being pointed out, which need improvement.It may have even been the narcissist’s own making by fantasizing about being incredible, amazing or similar without that being grounded into actioning out and living those very high tiles.I as the narcissist presume all others are interested in what I am interested in.Stepping into another person’s shoes doesn’t occur to me.It appears the child is still very much present in me as the narcissist, as I am intensely focused on who I am and what I can get.Pompous, vainglorious and insolent live here.Regardless of what everyone says or does, we will be doing it my way.What stops me from reaching out?I am restricted by the past.I don’t know what love is.I have been thinking, using my Ego Mind.Don’t you know who I am?Do I really know who I am?Have I taken the time to tell them who I am?It is a limited form of awareness and does not create good leadership as outcome often becomes more important than process.What are the consequences when a person is so egotistical, he alienates his team?The following case studies demonstrate the capacity of limited awareness, at Wanting, Controlling and Egotistical, to sabotage relationships and working together in harmony.These Entrapments can feel better as their role is to avoid the heavy victim energy of tiles 0–29 and for this reason can be difficult to break.The case studies all show various tiles from 30–59 in particular and some of the attitudes that assist with moving out of the Entrapments.Harry – WantingHarry was in his early twenties and had just completed his first two years as a graduate trainee.He was motivated to do well and felt a real high when he impressed his boss and senior management.At last his efforts were rewarded and he was offered a promotion to team leader.Harry was ecstatic and jumped at this fantastic opportunity.All went well for the first few months, a couple of the guys weren’t pulling their weight but he shrugged this off.Then critical deadlines were missed and his team projects started to get management’s attention for all the wrong reasons.‘What is wrong with them?They looked at him astonished, shook their heads and left.Harry stayed on and tried to finish their work so that the deadline could be met.At home, he reviewed the day but he could not shake his anger.His colleague and close friend called him that night and let Harry know how he felt and that the behaviour was workplace harassment.His friend mentioned there must be something that Harry needed to address within him and that he knew a good therapist.He realized that this feeling of Wanting was a strong desire to please the management team and not let them down.As team leader, this addiction consumed him so much that he had not been able to hear or see the needs of his team.This was a familiar feeling for him.This was how he felt in the eyes of his father and his reaction to his team mirrored how his father would control him.This in turn motivated his team as they felt heard and valued.Kala – ControllingKala arrived home after Wars - tic tac too flash game. a busy day at her boutique public relations firm.‘Internally, I felt a bubbling hot anger start to rise from my stomach to my throat.She knew to take herself away for a walk before bringing this inner rage home her partner.Chan felt it was time to be very frank with Kala as this was a pattern he knew well.Kala softened her gaze and relaxed her body language.Kala thanked her client for the feedback and instead of going back to the office, she went to the park where she could be alone to review and process what had just unfolded.Kala sat for an hour while she explored where else in her life she was being controlling.Being in control of her life and the lives of those around her was just a way she recognized to keep order and to make sure everyone didn’t step out of line and then they wouldn’t leave her.Kala recognized it did just the opposite – it pushed people away.Also, being Controlling is exhausting, which had taken its toll on her, mentally and emotionally.It’s okay for people to choose another way.It’s okay not to have all the answers.’ Kala also realized she was not responsible for making everything ‘nice’ or ‘perfect’.Felipe – EgotisticalFelipe always wanted to play football.At the age of 16, he was approached by a scout and eventually drafted.He didn’t seem to care what others thought of him.When he played football, his team and club seemed to cope with his arrogance because he could contribute and be of value.Others outside the club knew he was a great player but seemed to focus on his narcissism instead.Felipe displayed some leadership qualities and after a decorated playing career, he took up coaching.This is where his Egotistical ways finally caught up with him.As a player, he didn’t care what anyone thought of him.He was in control on the football ground and he could control his personal skills to win acknowledgement.But now, as a coach, he could not control his players as they did not warm to his arrogance.Felipe quickly lost the respect of his players and failed to earn their admiration.This continued for a few years until the spotlight came upon him in a whole club review.Player morale was very low.Player after player, club staff members and assistant coaches provided feedback on his personality and leadership style.To his credit, he took all of the feedback on board and decided to work extremely hard on changing his attitude.He took responsibility for his past behaviours and made a pledge to the players, the club and the fans to change.The players began warming to the new version of Felipe and began playing for him.Coming Up NextWhat happens when a leader or person consistently is unable to get what he or she wants?Feelings of ‘not good enough’ can arise and this heralds in the energy of victimhood.Have you ever felt like a victim of circumstances?What happened for you?Perhaps you will recognize yourself in some of the following tiles.If so, know there is a way out of this limited way of looking at the world!Tiles 0–29 show the Entrapments and belief systems of disempowered and spiritless leaders.At these levels there is a sense of being a victim of circumstances as environments cannot be controlled and wants are not attainable.Let’s begin at the level of Stressed, which is where most leaders live when outcomes cannot be controlled and a more empowered way is not accessible.